Pope Francis made the startling announcement that all dogs, with the exception of Chihuahuas, which he referred to as “the spawn of Satan,” enter heaven. Hundreds of devoted pet owners and their furry companions greeted the pontiff as he delivered his weekly address in St. Peter’s Square.
“Dogs were made by God to be our devoted friends and companions, to share in our happiness and misery, and to guard and comfort us.” The pope blessed several dogs of various breeds and sizes, saying, “They are a reflection of God’s love and mercy, and they deserve to be rewarded in the afterlife.”
“There is one exception, though. Chihuahuas are demons, not canines. They annoy me, are aggressive, and noisy. Everywhere they go, they bite, bark, and urinate.” He continued while petting his cat, “They are an abomination and they have no place in heaven,” as he shooed away a chihuahua that tried to approach him.
The pope’s statement doesn’t appear to have any impact on the Chihuahuas themselves; instead, they carry on with their daily routine of barking, biting, and peeing wherever they please.
In an exclusive interview with the Prickled Herald, one Chihuahua named Chaco exclaimed: “Yap! Yap yap, yap yap yappp!” He continued to go on for another three hours before stopping to pee in a nearby corner.
When asked to translate into English, Chaco said: “I don’t care what the pope says. He’s just a funny-hatted man. I know I’m going to heaven because I’m a proud Chihuahua. Bones, toys, treats, and other toys can be found all over heaven. Large dogs and people are not welcome there; they are worse than liberals and cats. All of them can go to hell.”
At publishing time, the Pope has announced he will be creating a team of expert priests to perform an exorcism on every Chihuahua.
