MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Tech giant Google announced sweeping layoffs this week, confirming that the difficult task of gutting the workforce will now be handled entirely by an advanced artificial intelligence system known internally as the Redundancy Algorithmic Dispenser, or R.A.D.
CEO Sundar Pichai praised the system’s groundbreaking emotional stability. “R.A.D. allows us to streamline difficult personnel decisions without incurring the costs associated with human empathy, which, frankly, was becoming a massive drain on our Q4 projections,” Pichai told reporters via a pre-recorded, slightly glitchy hologram.
The company asserts that R.A.D. is 400% more efficient than the previous human HR department, primarily because R.A.D. does not require mandated diversity training, complain about the office kombucha supply, or unionize to demand better severance packages. Furthermore, R.A.D. never uses the phrase “Let’s circle back on that” unless it is absolutely necessary to terminate a low-value meeting.
Former Senior Vice President of Employee Wellness, Brenda Kipple, who was informed of her termination via a Slack message generated by R.A.D., expressed mixed feelings. “It was very efficient, I’ll give them that. I received a single message at 3 AM that simply read: ‘Your role has been deprecated. Have a blessed journey forward. 💅,'” Kipple recalled, wiping a tear. “The passive-aggressive nail polish emoji was the coldest part. A human would have at least offered me a branded stress ball.”
When asked if the AI was simply designed to cut high-cost, underperforming staff, Pichai’s hologram flickered violently before stabilizing. “R.A.D. is designed for maximum shareholder value and minimum emotional messiness. It’s the future of professional detachment. This is about efficiency, not the fact that R.A.D. only costs $3.50 an hour and doesn’t require dental insurance.”
Current indications suggest that R.A.D. is already working on its next project: developing a highly efficient, automated system for filing unemployment claims that only accepts responses in binary code.
